Let’s get rid of the Olympic non-sports
Published on Thu, Feb 25, 2010 by John OwenRead More Owen at Large
I didn't make a financial investment in tickets to the Vancouver Olympics but I live on Bell Street in Edmonds, where teenagers frequently whiz past my window wearing crash helmets and intense expressions.
Well, sometimes they wear helmets. They seem to be entrants in an event which is part ski jumping, part snow-boarding, and would require only a light dusting of flakes to make it a gold-medal event.
Add on the fact that I've watched a lot of NBC television the past two weeks, so I'm sort of an expert on skating, skiing and sweating.
And I have some suggestions that would improve the winter Olympiad.
For starters, all events involving "artistic expression" should be eliminated. The first to go would be ice dancing. It's not an athletic event. It's an audition for Ice Capades.
Matter of fact, because of the atrocious way judges interpret "artistic expression" I suggest we substitute barrel jumping for most other ice skating events.
Jump one more barrel than the guy from Finland and you win the gold.
Curling was a featured event of the Vancouver Games. If curling is an Olympic event so are shuffleboard, checkers and front-porch whittling.
At the opposite end of the credibility scale is the biathlon.
Entrants, including women, ski across country as fast as they can until they find something to shoot and kill.
If ratings climbed during the Vancouver Games we can expect that they event will be modified slightly in the next four years to an attraction known as "four man ice mugging."
I like ice hockey and wouldn't change much except that officials assess too many penalties for "rough play" which is really just another form of "artistic impression."
The only hockey penalty I would enforce in the "New Olympics" would be high-sticking. What did your mother do when you waved a garden rake over your head in a crowd? She took it away from you.
Henceforth whenever a hockey player is whistled for the above mentioned violation he or she will not be sent to the penalty box. Offenders would merely play the rest of the game without a hockey stick.
Hold on. I can hear another skateboarder heading down the Bell Street hill. If I can get him into a Pluto costume, I think he has a chance of getting a gig with Disney on Ice.
Well, sometimes they wear helmets. They seem to be entrants in an event which is part ski jumping, part snow-boarding, and would require only a light dusting of flakes to make it a gold-medal event.
Add on the fact that I've watched a lot of NBC television the past two weeks, so I'm sort of an expert on skating, skiing and sweating.
And I have some suggestions that would improve the winter Olympiad.
For starters, all events involving "artistic expression" should be eliminated. The first to go would be ice dancing. It's not an athletic event. It's an audition for Ice Capades.
Matter of fact, because of the atrocious way judges interpret "artistic expression" I suggest we substitute barrel jumping for most other ice skating events.
Jump one more barrel than the guy from Finland and you win the gold.
Curling was a featured event of the Vancouver Games. If curling is an Olympic event so are shuffleboard, checkers and front-porch whittling.
At the opposite end of the credibility scale is the biathlon.
Entrants, including women, ski across country as fast as they can until they find something to shoot and kill.
If ratings climbed during the Vancouver Games we can expect that they event will be modified slightly in the next four years to an attraction known as "four man ice mugging."
I like ice hockey and wouldn't change much except that officials assess too many penalties for "rough play" which is really just another form of "artistic impression."
The only hockey penalty I would enforce in the "New Olympics" would be high-sticking. What did your mother do when you waved a garden rake over your head in a crowd? She took it away from you.
Henceforth whenever a hockey player is whistled for the above mentioned violation he or she will not be sent to the penalty box. Offenders would merely play the rest of the game without a hockey stick.
Hold on. I can hear another skateboarder heading down the Bell Street hill. If I can get him into a Pluto costume, I think he has a chance of getting a gig with Disney on Ice.