By John Owen

It is the opinion of no less a literary authority than Ernest Hemingway that the art of the advertising copywriter never progressed past its earliest stages.  He cited the efforts of an early huckster to describe the benefits of a newly developed green glass beer bottle, which protected the product from the sun's rays. The copywriter finally came up with a winner:

"Drink Bloater Beer in the new green bottle.  Eliminates the skunk taste."

Through continuing scientific research the brewers of America have waged a continuing war against the skunk taste, with some success.  But it is my opinion that the TV ad campaigns have regressed.  I am certain that if Hemingway were alive today he would not be amused by the ad campaigns that feature old clips of National Football League coaches being interviewed by nitwits playing the parts of sportswriters.  Hemingway himself was, briefly, a newspaper sportswriter and I am convinced he never snickered through press conferences.

TV commercials filmed on behalf of another product are as bad or worse, with the announcer screaming at the unseen audience, telling them they should drink this style of Bloater Beer because "it is tail gate ready, " whatever that means.

These are among the two worst commercials on TV today.  Want to know the best ones, in my view?

First prize goes, without rival, to the E-Trade commercials in which babies in high chairs explain the stock market and the game of golf to unseen investors and, in the later case, to an elderly linkster referred to as "Shankopotomus."  If you have missed these commercials call them up on U-Tube.

Intel commercials are also worthy of instant replays.  In one commercial a scientist named Ajay Bhati walks though the firm's offices as female workers roll their eyes, swoon, then beg for an autograph from the inventor of the USB.   The kicker on the commercial proclaims, "Our rock stars aren't like your rock stars."

I also like the locally produced commercials in which screenwriters are trying to create a segment of the series, "Action Doctors."  Their plots involve exploding operating rooms and missing charts, x-rays and diagnoses.  Watching all this is a genuine doctor who explains that at Group Health all medical records are secure and instantly available to physicians or patients.

Also deserving of top marks is the Southwest Airlines "bags are our life," commercial and the Sony Whack a Mole ads.

I have to attract my wife's attention, when one of the E-Trade, Intel or Group Health commercials is rerun.  She is never bothered by moronic beer commercials for one very good reason. Her mind changes direction as soon as the commercials snap on. She may have watched a stupid TV commercial 36 times but she has never really seen it once.

Her brain is programmed to click ads off automatically when the hucksters take over the TV screen.  And that's a greater scientific or industrial achievement than green bottles and the elimination of the skunk taste in beer.