THE CONSTANT

CURMUDGEON

By John Pierre

With Christmas sneaking up on us, thinking about buying appropriate gifts for our families begins to occupy at least a few minutes of our time.

Buying for kids is easy, at least the little ones. Teenagers are a different problem. My inclination is to give them $3 cash and tell them not to spend it all in one place.

But this is about husband's gifts for wives and vice versa. Considering that I've been a husband for my entire lifewell almost, actually only 57 years(and all to the same woman, if you can believe that), I feel I speak with a modicum of authority on the subject.

First of all, husbands must remember the cardinal rule. Never I repeat, NEVER buy your wife something that is handy around the house. Pots and pans, steam irons and vacuum cleaners are out!

How would you like opening your Christmas gift and finding a yard rake or a five-gallon can of deck stain?

Buy your wife something personal. Jewelry is a perfect gift because it's hard to make a mistake with a beautiful pair of diamond earrings or a pearl necklace. Clothes are a mistake. Aside from the fact that styles and colors are a matter of personal opinion, men don't understand women's clothes. Many men think size 18 is something you would buy for a shapely young lady in her late teens.

After jewelry, your best bet is a gift certificate for an upscale store. Don't be cheap. Stay away from the run-of-the-mill places like (bleep). I can't mention its name but I can't help but wonder whatever happened to Roebuck?

A new car would be nice but you must have a whole lot more money than most of us to consider that option. And besides, her Ford Falcon should be good for another year or two.

Nope! The answer is jewelry. No doubt about it.

Men are easy. Listen up, wives. All men have a 10-year-old boy hidden inside their macho facade, and they all love toys. Any toys will do but electronic ones satisfy the little boy in all of us. You can't go wrong with electric trains or car racing sets.

Tools are worth considering but harder for wives because they often don't know what their husbands already have. For example, I have just about every tool known to man (some of them I actually use) and I can prove it by the scars on my body. I've injured myself with every one of them at least once.

After all is said and done, I still think Christmas is a delightful time of year, scars and all.