CITY LIGHTS
By Al Hooper

You meet very few people who see themselves as villains. At worst theyre misunderstood. At best theyre ahead of their time.

Financier Bernie Madoff will tell you he cheated all those folks out of their life savings for altruistic reasons. He wanted to lighten their load on their way to heaven.

Dime-a-dozen despots suppress dissent only to keep the peons from having to think too much. And the smarmiest terrorists do it all for God.

Like the poet said, O, to see ourselves as others see us! Well, Mr. Burns, were here to tell you. Its a condition most of us ink-stained wretches get to know firsthand.

Our printed opinions, whether half-baked or fully braised, seem perfectly rational at time of delivery. So its a shock when those views, rooted in the depth of our profundity, are not unanimously endorsed.

Oh sure, some readers accept our version because they know how smart we are. But not all.
Heres one quibbler now.

DEAR CITY LIGHTS: I was thunderstruck when you advised candidates for public office, Never complain about being misquoted. Just be glad you were quoted at all.
Are you suggesting the press should be granted a blanket amnesty even BEFORE committing their offenses? Or is it simply your way of endorsing sloppy reporting?
Im sure City Lights never misquotes anyone, right? Yeah, right!
Non-Believer in Edmonds

(DEAR NON: Okay, okay. There was an occasion when City Lights appeared to err. I quoted a candidate for City Council as saying, My personal hobbies include malingering, heavy drinking, and promiscuous sex. Upon checking my notes later, I found that what he really said was, My personal beliefs PRECLUDE malingering, heavy drinking and promiscuous sex. Naturally we printed a correction, although I still like my quote better.)

DEAR CITY LIGHTS: Thats quite a rousing plea you made for the DARE program, which has been dropped from the curriculum in the Edmonds School District.
To you I say, Pshaw!
DARE (Drug Resistance Awareness Education) doesnt work! One kid from around here who took the course turned into the neighborhood dealer. Another kid two streets over stole hubcaps to pay for his glue-sniffing habit. And my cousin Myrtle heard about a DARE student from somewhere in north Edmonds who grew up to be a lawyer. Losers all!
Sneering In Edmonds

(DEAR SNEER: What you say has a nice ring to it but doesnt go far enough. We should shut down every police department in the land because some cops were on the take. Also, shutter every newspaper and magazine because some reporters were making up stories. And abolish the Boy Scouts of America because a couple of Eagle Scouts were caught smoking grass instead of mowing it. Then we can get on with dismantling the U.S. military because a handful of GIs sold government issue on the black market after World War II.
(Conclusion: Never mind the 90 percent who do things right. Judge a program by its lowest common denominator. Not.)

DEAR CITY LIGHTS: My social conscience erupted in hives when I read your description of the three individuals arrested for ALLEGEDLY invading a private residence. You referred to them as lowlifes, no-gooders and apprentice fiends!
Are you aware these people have not yet been convicted? Either way, dont they deserve at least a smidgeon of human respect?
I was so incensed I did a little research among some people who Knew You When. The consensus is you showed some promise back in the day but your erstwhile friends now duck into a doorway when you lurch into sight.
We thought he might amount to something, one told me, and Im being verbatim here. Look at him now writing a dumb-ass column for a nowhere newspaper in a town you cant hardly find without a GPS.
Well, thats the news to now, son. Dont forget to write!
Love, Mom